If She Smokes, She Pokes
There comes a time in any young man’s life when he begins to discover the differences between men and women. During this confusing time, the young man’s parents will attempt to provide guidance on the subject. For me, this fateful day came following a manufacturer recommended mattress rotation, from whence my mother stumbled upon a well-worn copy of “Butt Lust” and an inexplicably stiff Nerf Turbo.
My Mother, caring and nurturing soul that she is, only gave me one piece of advice about women that day. “Son,” she said, “if she smokes, she pokes.” I guess she wanted me to learn the rest of this lesson “in the field” as they say. For all her wisdom, she did overlook a few “dead give-aways” about promiscuous women, God bless her, but worry NOT my brethren, we’re going to pick up that bitch’s slack.
SHE SMOKES
I know this is THE old adage, but it holds true now more than ever. Think about it: if a girl smokes a pack of cigarettes a day, that means she’s simulating the act of fellating 20 little white penises every day. With your help, it will be 21.
SHE GOES TANNING
Don’t get me wrong, I like the look of a “healthy tan” as much as the next guy, but let’s face it: tanning is unnatural, superficial, and downright dangerous to your health. That being said, if a girl isn’t afraid to get skin cancer, chances are, she’s not afraid to get an STD either. If the sight of “melted-caramel-face” doesn’t scare you, take this girl home.
SHE'S EATING LATE NIGHT FOOD
This is one of my favorite “tells” of all-time because it happens at the end of the night, or the “desperation hour”, as I like to call it. It’s simple: all you need to do is look for the girl who’s walking home with a gyro in her face. Trust me… if this girls isn’t worried about cramming two pounds of undercooked lamb into her gut at 4:00 a.m., I doubt she’ll be opposed to three hours of hateful monkey-sex. The only downside to this scenario is that she will likely be grunting on your toilet while you’re trying to take your shower before work.
SHE'S LOUDER THAN ALL HER FRIENDS
This one might not seem obvious at first, but it…is…fool…proof. Here’s how to spot her: she’s the one who dry-humps her friend’s ass and laughs maniacally about it afterwards. This girl wants it all. All the attention… all the drinks… all the meat. Be warned though… if you piss this girl off, she will bite off your nose and swallow it.
SHE HAS A BAD DYE JOB
We all know this girl. She’s the one who has fooled herself into thinking a bi-annual bleaching is enough to fool the world into thinking she’s a natural blonde. This hairstyle, know in some circles as the “skank-skunk” (OK, just by me), is an effective indicator of sluttiness because of its high visibility. Here’s a hint: just be on the lookout for blonde with “Roots” blacker than Alex Haley’s (take home, bang, repeat).
SHE HAS A KID
Some men view this situation as the ultimate deal breaker, but I feel it’s important to see past all that “closed-minded nonsense”. I promise you: this girl is only looking for two things; the father of her child and anonymous high-risk sex (Remember: she didn’t win that thing in a raffle). There is one catch though: if she’s carrying the kid in one of those chest-mounted baby slings, your range of sexual positions shall be limited to the following: Doggy and Reverse Cowgirl. I mean, come on, it’s not like you’re trying to scar the kid for life.
SHE'S FAT AND DRESSED TO KILL
You gotta love these girls because of the “truth in advertising”. It’s not unlike a crackhead holding up a cardboard sign that says, “F*ck it! I need to score some rock.” Don’t get me wrong. I do not want you to pity these girls. Seriously, they’re getting laid more than you will ever know. Think about it this way: how many people do you know who have banged a genuine “Perfect 10”? Probably none. Now, how many of these aforementioned people have banged a girl who was pushing “two bills”? That’s right… all of them, even your old sweet dad.
SHE HAS A PHYSICAL DEFORMITY MENTAL ILLNESS
I know what you’re thinking and I agree… GENIUS!! This girl is a sure bet for three reasons: first, she will almost certainly have low self-esteem. Second, she will have an uncontrollable desire for acceptance. Third, she will be mind-meltingly horny from years of sexual frustration. Wait, it gets better… for one, a physical deformity could open some possibilities for undiscovered sexual positions and a mental illness could result in some interesting dirty talk.
NOTE: Depending on what state you live in, this may be eligible for court-ordered public service (check with your parole officer).